Shanzophrenia.

-(To My Soul.)

_________________________________________________

This is an everlasting temperament, the state I am in today, frustrations, pain, anxiety, creativeness, my skills, my importance as a self being went through a lot of waste through fate. Brinks and loneliness killed the actual facts remaining for the following people in my life.

And its all washed away, words remained unspoken, time passed by I sustained my composures my feelings but was left suppressed by time. And I remained self-centered when I wanted to be open, my wish to feel pain sure is granted, I've seen a lot, went through a lot and still am walking by.

My nature is of freedom, living with the unintentional identification of ego or self with the divine, creative energy flowing through oneself, leading to an excessive self-centeredness and exaggerated sense of self-importance. But that’s just a weakness to live by my ecstatic expression. But all that is not simply justice and rational, I have lived by such time, that I had to live with my weaknesses since no one was there for me to live by my passion and my exposures. Still had my freedom. The use of the intellect in service to humanity did polish out but in drawback I faced a difficulty with feeling emotion, leading to depression and or a lack of true connection with Self and others. Found myself in an overactive mind, addicted to learning that blocked deeper peace and awareness. Lost the feel to write, to draw to create, to be satisfied in a more selfish way with people I truly love. But its fate again which has given me a struggle to find myself an ounce of importance to live by with the great Malefic I am living with considering loss, disappointment, pain, illness, loneliness, and sorrow.

But nothing new, it’s how life came to me; it’s a method by which I learn God has designed for me. It’s like the Drill Sergeant who is hard on his cadets because he cares about them and does not want them to go off into war and get killed. You hate the Drill Sergeant when he feels cruel and mean; but you love and thank the Drill Sergeant later when you can understand what a great and important service he did for you. There is always a benevolent presence behind the tough time we face. Its how we groom and learn. If we can learn to trust Life unconditionally, surrender, meet our feelings compassionately, and then take action. Malefic becomes an invaluable ally on the journey towards awakening. We can cultivate the realization that "this would not be happening to me if it were not the best thing that could happen to me, and at some point maybe even after this life I will be able to look back and know this for sure." Then we can accept difficulty, and with a positive attitude we might even open to the gift that such an experience is, even in the midst of it.To truly honor Life and its apparent imperfections, maybe we can even celebrate pain and difficulty when they are present. Maybe this is just what makes life so sweet, so beautiful, and so precious. Maybe we can appreciate the parts of us that are the least polished and presentable. Maybe those are just the parts of us that make us so interesting, so lovable, and so wonderfully human.

(02.06.06)